Tell Him That I Love Him, Tell Him That I Care

I love the Shangri-las. They epitomize that cool clique of rough-and-tumble looking girls ubiquitous to every American high school. The girls who used to cut science class so they could smoke cigarettes and compare hickeys. The girls who cheated off of you but were still flunking and didn't seem to mind at all. The girls who each had some sort of awesome talent like they could draw really well or something but got all pissed off if you mentioned it. The type of girl Busy Phillips got so right with her portrayal of Kim Kelly in seminal gone-but-not-forgotten television show Freaks and Geeks.

From behind my AP classes and college application bait extracurricular activities I always wanted to be included in this mangy lot of alley cats. Being not tough at all, I fantasized about loitering outside the movie theater with these alpha chicks as we goofed on the flocks of pubescent nerds not yet used to their gangly limbs. Maybe I could get caught for smoking weed out of a Pepsi can on the steps of the art building too! What mystique! Of course I never so much as offered a light to the Kim Kellys or even the Karen Scarfollis of my high school. I was too afraid of being beaten up. Listening to "Give Him a Great Big Kiss" by the Shangri-las I can rationalize my former meekness by concluding that this fear was not altogether unfounded. You see, tension can arise in a pack of girls when you share an affinity for the same type of guys. And boy do I have a boner for the guy this song describes.

Let's analyze the lyrics:

Here comes my guy walking down the street---Cars are overrated. They make you flabby.
Look how he walks with a dancing beat--Like early career John Travolta, struts are hot.
Thick wavy hair, a little too long----------That needs-a-haircut look makes me wet.
All day long he's singing his song---------Probably in a band. Might write a song about you. Hot.
And when I see him in the street
My heart takes a leap and skips a beat
Gonna walk right up to him
Give him a great big kiss
Tell him that I love him
Tell him that I care
Tell him that I'll always be there
(Spoken) Well what color are his eyes?
I don't know he's always wearing shades---I'd fuck him AND his RayBans
Is he tall? Well, I've got to look up----We're the same height when he slouches. Which is always.
Yeah? Well I hear he's bad
MM, he's good bad, but he's not evil---Has a switchblade but only uses it to defend my honor.
Tell me more, tell me more
Big bulky sweaters to match his eyes--Uhhh, sure.
Dirty fingernails-------------------------Too cool for a bar of soap.
Oh boy what a prize---------------------To fight for!
Tight tapered pants, high button shoes---Tough and stylish, like a teenage James Bond!
He's always looking like he's got the blues---Girls love this! Just ask Jordan Catalano.
And when I see him in the street
My heart takes a leap and skips a beat
Gonna walk right up to him
Give him a great big kiss
Tell him that I love him
Tell him that I care
Tell him that I'll always be there

Yeah, I wouldn't have a chance against the Shangri-las. They are from Queens. They'd slice me.

It's Halloween, You Betcha

People never get my Halloween costumes. I always choose something far too esoteric for the spirit of the holiday and end up spending the season exasperated from having to explain to the 100th drunk party goer I'm Pris from Blade Runner and not David Bowie from Labyrinth, but nice try though. Example: Last year, when the world experienced an unexpected shortage in temporary tattoos because of the vast amount of ladies dressing as Amy Winehouse, I decided to go as a completely different unlucky-in-love, drug-addled pop star, Stevie Nicks.
I even wasn't trying to be a contrarian or anything. I swear I didn't pick Stevie to serve as an antidote to all the Amys. I just wanted a reason to walk around all night with a fake cockatoo on my arm.

My favorite costume of all time was the year I went as Patty "Tania" Hearst. It was so easy! All I had to do was buy a plastic machine gun, don a beret and my dad's old army shirt and I was ready to go! It was also one of those rare great costumes that was warm enough to be worn outside for longer than ten seconds. Not very topical though. I don't even remember more than a handful of people even hazarding a guess.

As a change of pace, I think this year I might embrace the cultural zeitgeist and wear an instantly recognizable costume. I already have the machine gun. All I have to do is lay my hands on an American flag bikini and I can join the throngs of other Sarah Palins at the apple bob and hay ride.

The girl-next-door of your futuristic dreams

Why can't they make porn like this anymore?



Admittedly, I'm a huge sucker for sex in space (see: student loan money spent recklessly on a giant Barbarella tattoo) but doesn't this seem a lot more appealing than the boring ram-you-in-the-ass-cum-on-your-face stuff you find these days? I'm all for hardcore porn and everything but look at what you get with a little creativity and production value! The costumes, for one, are a revelation. Except for the weird people dressed as woodland animals, which are total boner-killers. Unless you are into that sort of thing.

Also, in case you didn't notice, it's a freaking musical! Fuck yeah, I say. What a welcome change from modern porn's treacly instrumental soundtracks. Fun Fact: Before Malcolm McLaren formed Bow Wow Wow he teamed up with a pair of French screenwriters to write what he described as "a soft-core rock n'roll costume musical for kids" called The Adventures of Melody, Lyric and Tune. Unfortunately, he never found any backers for the project. How many more porn musicals are out there? I must know!

The film also boosts it's fair share of pathos. Witness for yourself the lamentable plight of a sexually confused robot. Try as he might he just can't figure out where to "plug it in." Tragic! Especially since a side effect of his problem seems to be breaking into goofy dance routines.



Of course, I'm a girl and I rarely jack it to porn. I enjoy it mostly for the pure entertainment value. If I thought of porn as a functional means-to-an-end then I'd probably prefer Fuck Dolls #5 too.

I always use some milk and cream for you cause I think you're kinda sweet

Let's give a moment to revisit a classic: Alicia Keys's 2003 stalker-y masterpiece "You Don't Know My Name."



The best part is obviously the sultry Ms. Keys's velvety and extremely bizarre spoken word breakdown in the middle of the song where she pretends to talk on a cell phone. I mean, it's so fucking hilarious. She includes static interruptions! She uses a catch phrase! When comedienne Maria Bamford makes fun of it she doesn't even have to write a complete joke, she just recites the crazy monologue as written.

So, that's definitely the best part, right? Look a little closer. Yup, that's Mos Def steaming up the screen. For me, he's the best part of everything.

Please Excuse the Euphemism: The Oldest Profession

Entries from A Dictionary of Catch Phrases: American and British, from the Sixteenth Century to the Present Day by Eric Partridge, a book I received as a gift when I was ten years old:

she would sell her hole for half a dollar is a contemptuous ref. to a girl lacking in self-respect: C20.

she's been fucked more times than she's had hot dinners or she's had more fucks than you've had hot dinners. A low, proletarian c.p. of late C19-20. The male counterpart is I've had more women than you've had hot dinners, q.v.

she's good (or very good) to the poor has, since c.1910, been a prostitutes' 'catty' c.p., applied to one who cuts her price, and thus lets the sisterhood down.

she's sitting on a goldmine. A 'men only' c.p., usu. applied to an attractive, demure girl apparently unaware of her own charms. 'The ref. is to prostitution, of course. Services', certainly during my own time (1953-74), and probably long before' (P.B., 1977). It was current during WW2, but often referring to part-time prostitutes or to 'enthusiastic amateurs', as the phrase went.

rough as bags and twice as dirty (or nasty). An Australian soldiers' c.p. of 1915-18, it was applied to the prostitutes frequenting the neighborhood of Horseferry Road, London, where the AIF headquarters occupied a building. Cf the Aus. simile (as) rough as bags and the Eng. (as) rough as a sandbag, uncouth.

And my all-time favorite...

she has (or she's got) round heels is, in Canada, directed at a very accommodating female, her heels being so round that a mere nudge will put her on her back.

I don't know how "catchy" these phrases are in this day and age --can you imagine Christian Siriano from Project Runway calling someone a "round heels" instead of "a hot, tranny mess"?--but they are certainly some saucy alternatives to boring old slut and ho. Personally, if someone was going to call me a derogatory name I'd appreciate if they put a little thought into it.

Sexy Hook-Ups: An Appreciation

Do you ever just know you're going to hate something, like as a child when you first encountered something innocuous and possibly delicious like a mushroom and blithely decided "Nope, I don't like the cut of your jib" and proceeded to live a fungi-free life thenceforth even though you never actually deigned to try them to see if they tasted just as disgusting as they looked?

Well, I was like this with Andrew Bujalski's 2003 film Mutual Appreciation. It's one of those films referred to as "mumblecore" which, for the uninitiated, is a recently conceived genre characterized by super low production costs, use of non-professional actors and largely improvised scripts. Despite the undying praise given from all the scenester kids I know, the tenets of Mumblecore seemed to me like a recipe for a shit sandwich. I mean, god forbid you might want to try a little hard when making a feature-length movie that you want people to actually watch. No, that would be so uncool.

And yet, to my intense surprise, I actually liked Mutual Appreciation. It was charming and funny, with all the elements that I had been so dubious of coalescing into a totally watchable and strangely relateable film. Strangely relateable because a host of the scenes depicted had such a familiar ring to them, like I had been to that same bad party or had that same awkward conversation with a boyfriend. I mean, I've definitely gone to a shindig where I found myself surrounded by unfamiliar people and then was goaded into doing something ridiculous, like when the main character of MA is talked into donning a dress and putting on makeup after he drunkenly crashes a party that his friends were supposed to attend, but bailed.

It shouldn't be a such a shock that a film geared toward the aimless mid-twenties set struck such a cord with me, as I am an aimless mid-twenty, but movies rarely get things right. Example: the first kiss. In any typical Hollywood romantic comedy (or drama or action flick, etc.) the first kiss between the main character and his love interest is always built up to such a heightened degree that when the guy finally grabs the girl and smooshes his face into hers the release you get while you are watching is almost orgasmic. Think about that scene in It's a Wonderful Life where the initial make out session between James Stewart and Donna Reed seems almost brutal because they want it so badly. There is a sense of victory about this moment, cathartic and lovely as Ms. Reed literally wilts from the effort.

Is this sexy? Yes. Is this realistic? Not a chance. I've had a lot of first kisses in my day and not one of them has been this explosive and urgent. I have never been taken, as it were. And this is not a bad thing. People just don't hook-up like they do in the movies. In my experience it has always been a delicate game of pussy-footing around, rather than some dynamic gesture that knocks your socks off. A more believable sequence of events: You are having a conversation on a couch. You laugh and touch his arm. He goes to get another drink and when he comes back he sits a little closer to you. You cross your legs and your knee grazes his. He doesn't pull away. At that moment you know you are in. You lean a little closer and his arm touches yours. He lightly strokes your arm with his index finger. Only after this mannered game of testing the waters is complete, then you kiss.

It might not be as dramatic as the Hollywood way but it certainly does the job.