The girl-next-door of your futuristic dreams

Why can't they make porn like this anymore?



Admittedly, I'm a huge sucker for sex in space (see: student loan money spent recklessly on a giant Barbarella tattoo) but doesn't this seem a lot more appealing than the boring ram-you-in-the-ass-cum-on-your-face stuff you find these days? I'm all for hardcore porn and everything but look at what you get with a little creativity and production value! The costumes, for one, are a revelation. Except for the weird people dressed as woodland animals, which are total boner-killers. Unless you are into that sort of thing.

Also, in case you didn't notice, it's a freaking musical! Fuck yeah, I say. What a welcome change from modern porn's treacly instrumental soundtracks. Fun Fact: Before Malcolm McLaren formed Bow Wow Wow he teamed up with a pair of French screenwriters to write what he described as "a soft-core rock n'roll costume musical for kids" called The Adventures of Melody, Lyric and Tune. Unfortunately, he never found any backers for the project. How many more porn musicals are out there? I must know!

The film also boosts it's fair share of pathos. Witness for yourself the lamentable plight of a sexually confused robot. Try as he might he just can't figure out where to "plug it in." Tragic! Especially since a side effect of his problem seems to be breaking into goofy dance routines.



Of course, I'm a girl and I rarely jack it to porn. I enjoy it mostly for the pure entertainment value. If I thought of porn as a functional means-to-an-end then I'd probably prefer Fuck Dolls #5 too.

I always use some milk and cream for you cause I think you're kinda sweet

Let's give a moment to revisit a classic: Alicia Keys's 2003 stalker-y masterpiece "You Don't Know My Name."



The best part is obviously the sultry Ms. Keys's velvety and extremely bizarre spoken word breakdown in the middle of the song where she pretends to talk on a cell phone. I mean, it's so fucking hilarious. She includes static interruptions! She uses a catch phrase! When comedienne Maria Bamford makes fun of it she doesn't even have to write a complete joke, she just recites the crazy monologue as written.

So, that's definitely the best part, right? Look a little closer. Yup, that's Mos Def steaming up the screen. For me, he's the best part of everything.