Tell Him That I Love Him, Tell Him That I Care

I love the Shangri-las. They epitomize that cool clique of rough-and-tumble looking girls ubiquitous to every American high school. The girls who used to cut science class so they could smoke cigarettes and compare hickeys. The girls who cheated off of you but were still flunking and didn't seem to mind at all. The girls who each had some sort of awesome talent like they could draw really well or something but got all pissed off if you mentioned it. The type of girl Busy Phillips got so right with her portrayal of Kim Kelly in seminal gone-but-not-forgotten television show Freaks and Geeks.

From behind my AP classes and college application bait extracurricular activities I always wanted to be included in this mangy lot of alley cats. Being not tough at all, I fantasized about loitering outside the movie theater with these alpha chicks as we goofed on the flocks of pubescent nerds not yet used to their gangly limbs. Maybe I could get caught for smoking weed out of a Pepsi can on the steps of the art building too! What mystique! Of course I never so much as offered a light to the Kim Kellys or even the Karen Scarfollis of my high school. I was too afraid of being beaten up. Listening to "Give Him a Great Big Kiss" by the Shangri-las I can rationalize my former meekness by concluding that this fear was not altogether unfounded. You see, tension can arise in a pack of girls when you share an affinity for the same type of guys. And boy do I have a boner for the guy this song describes.

Let's analyze the lyrics:

Here comes my guy walking down the street---Cars are overrated. They make you flabby.
Look how he walks with a dancing beat--Like early career John Travolta, struts are hot.
Thick wavy hair, a little too long----------That needs-a-haircut look makes me wet.
All day long he's singing his song---------Probably in a band. Might write a song about you. Hot.
And when I see him in the street
My heart takes a leap and skips a beat
Gonna walk right up to him
Give him a great big kiss
Tell him that I love him
Tell him that I care
Tell him that I'll always be there
(Spoken) Well what color are his eyes?
I don't know he's always wearing shades---I'd fuck him AND his RayBans
Is he tall? Well, I've got to look up----We're the same height when he slouches. Which is always.
Yeah? Well I hear he's bad
MM, he's good bad, but he's not evil---Has a switchblade but only uses it to defend my honor.
Tell me more, tell me more
Big bulky sweaters to match his eyes--Uhhh, sure.
Dirty fingernails-------------------------Too cool for a bar of soap.
Oh boy what a prize---------------------To fight for!
Tight tapered pants, high button shoes---Tough and stylish, like a teenage James Bond!
He's always looking like he's got the blues---Girls love this! Just ask Jordan Catalano.
And when I see him in the street
My heart takes a leap and skips a beat
Gonna walk right up to him
Give him a great big kiss
Tell him that I love him
Tell him that I care
Tell him that I'll always be there

Yeah, I wouldn't have a chance against the Shangri-las. They are from Queens. They'd slice me.