Nice box

When my friend Whitney returned from a disheartening two year Peace Corp assignment in the West African nation of Mauritania, narrowly avoiding a military coup staged on the very day she was supposed to disembark, she brought home some remarkable souvenirs from the Islamic Republic, most notably a bar of Lady Diana Virginity Soap.

This product is fascinating. As a proud, liberated woman (although I would never burn a bra--my boobs need the support!) I am so deeply offended by the very idea of this soap that it makes me laugh. It is unfathomable to me that something this crazy actually exists, and some poor women are made to believe they need to use it. Fuck that.

Although thoroughly disgusted, I can't seem to curb my obsession with the packaging of this dirty little cleanser. There are so many questions: Is "Lady Diana" is a veiled reference to deceased English royal Princess Diana of Wales? Because I knew about her admirable work with landmine reform, but I was unfamiliar with this coochie tightening initiative. What is with the defiant body language of the headless lady in the demur gray nightgown? It doesn't seem to fit with the concept they are trying to sell. Her crossed arms and sassy hip stance seem to say, "Yeah, I have a loose cooter. You want to make something of it?" No, no I don't.

Printed on the side of the carton is a list of the purported benefits of the soap. This miracle product:

Tightens vaginal muscle
Washes away bacteria
Washes away infectious itching
Clears out normal accumulations
Refreshes skin during menstrual period
Reduces burning sensation
Reduces unpleasant odor
Keeps natural skin balance

The claims are pretty standard, except for the magical regrowth of the hymen, that is. The directions for use are where it truly goes off the rails. Through broken Engrish, the customer is told to:

"Uses of Lady Diana Virginity Soap to tighten vaginal muscle and clean your secret area free of unpleasant odor. Use regularly twice daily, in the morning and night or as often as needed for more confidence and great feeling like a virgin. It is mild and gentle and very effective."

Sorry, box, my secret area isn't buying this bullshit.