God bless Dr. Phil. With the closure of all of Philadelphia's libraries and parks (and layoffs of police and firefighters) looming in the future, the benevolent quasi-doctor descended on the city on Wednesday to tackle the city's most dire problem: the decades long feud between two guys who sell cheesesteaks on the same corner in South Philly. I mean, really, who cares about libraries when you can see the owner's of Pat's and Geno's spit a mouthful of each other's product onto the grass of Independence Mall? That's good television! Libraries are boring after all. And for losers. Who needs 'em? I'd gladly trade all the stupid libraries in Philadelphia for the comforting knowledge that the Great Cheesesteak Wars have finally come to an end. Let the bloodshed stop and the whiz flow freely!
When the Pennsylvania State Senate approved a budget on Friday that included the needed funds for the city's library and park systems I felt like the lawmakers were spitting steak right back in Dr. Phil's face. Was all his good work for naught? Despite his best efforts, relations between the two cheesesteak czars are still strained. If we don't send in troops to monitor the situation, communications are sure to break down and this dreaded war will flare back up again. But where will we get the money for military intervention when we are spending it foolishly on public programs? Help us Dr. Phil, you're our only hope!
p.s. I am only kidding. Dr. Phil is an idiot.
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